Some think smoking is abhorrent.

To whom it may concern

I was shaving at a convoluted angle when I received a call from one of your telemarketers informing me that I had won ownership over a small (thought thoughtfully-shaped) rock in the South Pacific. This call rendered me suitably irate as I had gotten the cord tangled around my nose, which, I am not ashamed to admit, resembles the beak of a toucan. This, however, is not the reason for my addressing you in this heartfelt letter filled to the brim with my blind anguish.

After the initial congratulatory news, I noticed that the man speaking (introduced by himself as 'Bradford') seemed to have a slight ashen lilt to his tone; akin to that of a man who makes it his habit to chainsmoke 40 cigarettes a day. He sounded as if he were about to dissolve into profuse coughing any moment, which put me on guard as being stranded on the phone with a man hacking out his respiratory organs is an awkward social situation indeed. Then, infuriatingly, I thought I could hear the faint sound of flint, striking against each other in the background. Because I am a gentleman, I will refrain from voicing my speculations as to what was happening at that moment. However, I can assure you that if I were correct about his actions, he would have been doing something both pitiful and hideously obscene.

I cannot believe that you would let your employees smoke so much. It is irresponsible on your part as the owner of your treacherous audiophilic business to allow for your callers to disturb and frighten clients with threats of dying of lung cancer. You could be losing customers, revenue, and hundreds of lives. I hope you think about that very carefully. From my brief 2-minute exposure to Bradford's auditory persona, I am able to deduce that he is of the very scourge of society; a man who would not think twice about kicking a blind man in the money tray, a felon who does not hesitate taking that extra pump of the Steers' excellent mustard sauce; a tramp who inserts his business into other peoples' toilet towel cardboard tubes. Please speak to Bradford about his tobacco-addiction, and if he fails to remedy his nicotine problem, I'm afraid you'll have to kill his wife.

Thank you.

Regards,

Baldrick von Staten