The dance of the Predatory Flagpole

Q: Dear Jim

My brother has recently started to eat nachos with tomato sauce, despite my best efforts at convincing him that doing so is a symbol of homosexuality. Can this be helped?

desperate - Dan, Gauteng

A: Dear Dan

No.

Q: Dear Jim

I just started my period. Can you help me?

lost - George, Nelspruit

A: Dear George

Your dick is bleeding. Seek medical help immediately. And remember not to zip up too quickly next time.

Q: Dear Jim

Quite recently, I bought a magnificent leopard-spotted leotard. But yesterday while wearing this new outfit, I found a ticket on the ground that said "Do Not Machine Wash". I hesitated on keeping it, since it was my moral duty to return a lost ticket that had been bought by someone else. But I was too lazy to find out whose it was. So I kept it. Later on that day, it started to rain - and despite the packing on my garment clearly stating it was "98 Waterproof", I developed a big wet patch on my back. What is the meaning of this? Should I got for a refund?

angry - Marcus, Cape Town

A: Dear Marcus

What you found was not a ticket. Your washing tag fell off. This, in turn, created a sizeable hole on your back that will widen at thrice the pace a lunchline lengthens in prison. In fact, by the time this reaches you, you should already be naked. There is nothing you can do about this. And if it says Made in China on the packaging, you cannot hope to get a refund. So light a few Cuban cigars and be happy Marcus.

Q: Dear Jim

Why does everyone say I'm a criminal? I'm a good boy. I go to bed at eight o' clock every night I promise.

sad - Fred, Nelspruit

A: Dear Fred

That studded belt your uncle Holiday gave to you for your 31st birthday does not belong around your ankle. There are several other appealing alternatives on which to wear it. You could put it on your hips. Or if you're feeling really naughty, you could put it on your waist.