Uncle Jim's Advice Column for the Blunted

Dear Jim

Q: The thin brown strings on my head are always getting long. Not only that, but the brown strands in my no-no places are also lengthening. I'm really worried because I've had this disease since birth, and all the doctors I've been to say that they have no cure for me. What is wrong with me? Am I dying? Please help!

anxious, Brent - Pietermaritzburg

Dear Brent

You are not alone so don't worry. The brown strings prevalent on your head are called hairs. What they have been doing all these years is growing. The shocking statistics are that up to 100% of all humans experience hair growth at some point in their lives. In fact, it is so overwhelmingly normal that it leads me to suspect that the doctors who have no cure for you are referring to defects of the brain inside your head as opposed to its brown stringy packaging. You are not dying. So stop being a drama queen and be grateful you're not bald like me.

Dear Jim

Q: Yesterday, out of the blue, I stopped breathing. I then attempted to buy a doghnut from the corner cafe but the till attendant ignored me in favour of a short fat farmer. Today, for some unknown reason, my family threw a party in which all the attendants cried and ate asparagus from plates. They also seemed to bow down to and offer their utmost respect to a rock on the ground. I have bowed to it and found it redeeming. Is this a new religious cult? Can I join? What do I have to do for initiation? What are the laws and customs?

eager, John - Grahamstowm

Dear John

Q: From your above letter I am able to discern that a) you are dead and b) you haven't noticed. Apparently the people around you have. You may be stupid. Crying at parties can be fun for the individual but can be a real mood-ruiner. And minus points to you for not inviting me to the reception - asparagus happens to be my favourite food. I am guessing you died from an overdose of hallucinogenic drugs, as you have obviously mistaken your own gravestone as a religious deity. Keep worshipping that rock with your name on it, you self-loving fuck.

PS: Try walking through a wall. You may find it fun.

Dear Jim

Q: I have a pet goldfish called Lucius Malfoy. Lucius is gold and white. He is a good fish. He is my soulmate and I keep him on a leash when I take him for walkies around our block. But today he stopped moving and he wouldn't jump through his favourite hoop. What can I do to help him?

lovingly worried, Jarrod - East London

Dear Jarrod

If I were in your shoes I would also be worried about little Lucius - if I hadn't paid attention to the 'walkies around our block' part of your adventures with him. Lucius the fish has gone to a happier place, one where he does not have to develop lungs to be able to live. Left with his small fishy carcass, you have little leeway for extravagance in your dealing of this matter. A viable option is to flame-grill him for a nutritious, light supper. Or, if it is the motionless bit of the deal that you are worried about, you can drop him from an elevated place in order to induce some movement (you may have to repeat this). Don't stop dropping 'lil Lucius, now - he might stop moving again.